Who am I ?

Who am I? That's the question I've been asking myself for years.I am a 38 yr old women with nothing to show for.Do not get me wrong I have two great kids.Who I wouldn't trade for all the money in the world,and don't get me started on how much my grand kids mean to me.

Me at age 15

              There is something about me(who ever that is)that pushes me down into that place where I never wanted to be.As a child things in my life were not so leave it to beaver wonderful.I was molested,never had many friends,I was constantly harassed and picked on.I was very shy and wimpy I tried desperately to fit in,but my family never had allot of money,so wearing the same stylish clothes,shoes,etc. were definitely out of the question.
                My parents were not the best role models don't get me wrong I love my parents,but their problems effected me as I am sure it did to my siblings.Since then my mom has apologized for the things she has done or did not do,and I forgave her. She always took care of us we were never dirty,hungry we weren't aloud to do allot of things.She was over protective.seeing how she has apologized I will not mention the bad things.
                     As for my father I can only describe him as a 10yr old boy in a 60yr old body.He has always allowed his parents to run his life.He still  to this day allows it even down to his finances.When I was a child my dad was not your typical father.He never played catch with me or took me fishing.He wasn't into that stuff if he didn't like it he wasn't going to do it no matter how much we kids liked it.my dad had weird projects.He would make his own confederate uniforms and cannons get dressed up in it then go shoot the cannon with his dad.I would tag along just to be close to him even though I wasn't interested in it.When I would ask my dad to play with me he would say no that's stupid,and I am not interested.Leave me alone I am busy.
              My dad when he would work on his projects or anything for that matter would start cussing and destroy anything he was doing.There were times when my dad would lose his job driving a truck and instead of finding any job he could to support his family he would do nothing because it wasn't driving a truck he said if he has to suffer so do we.He is still to this day angry at my brother because he didn't want to be a truck driver or own his own trucking company.My brother is great with computers but dad thinks it is stupid and a waste of time.
       My dads parents were always my favorite place to go to when I was a kid,but as an adult I realize that they are and have always been two faced and hateful people.They spent many years trying to make my moms life miserable and they talk bad about me and my siblings.They take advantage of my dads stupidity by ripping him off of his money.he knows nothing about where his money goes and I have tryed to help him but they tryed to kick me out when I stayed with my dad and they tell him to this day all I want is his money which is not true.to make a long story short he has never apologized nor has tryed to be interested in my life or the life of my siblings,kids,or grand kids.
                   At 16yr and a half yrs old I moved out with the first guy to ever show me attention just to get away from home.He became emotionally and physically abusive,after him almost all my relationships have been rocky.The first one tried to be more like a dad to me then a spouse.The second one didn't stand up for his self or me and aloud his brother to beat me up while in the place I have always wanted to go since childhood(California) so that dream was ruined. The third played head games was so insecure and constantly accussed me of cheating.
                   The relationship I am in now has been the best in my life.He is great with my kids,grand kids and treats me great.My emotional level is so high because it is hard for me to let go of all the hurt I have accumulated in my life time.I am worried that it will ruin the best thing that has ever happened to me.
                   My life has passed me by so fast I can not keep up.It is as though I am a horse and buggy on the road of life and everyone else are sports cars.They are way ahead of me,and my horse is tired and so am I so I fall behind.
                I pray to God everyday to help me find myself,to not let people effect me so much to the point where I can't even keep a job for long periods at a time.I care to much some say.I care about people who I don't know I care what they think of me.I cry to much,I try to right wrong even ones I have no control over.My childrens problem become my own problems to the point its hard to live my life.(but isn't that what parents should do I don't know)I just want to be normal that all I have ever wanted.I want to be the mature 38yr old women I am suppose to be.I am just a young teenager at heart,wanting approval from mom and dad.to be loved by my family and friends to have no worries.
                    I am tired of being an emotional basket case.Maybe I will find myself soon(who ever that may be)then my world will not be so bad.They say God only gives you what you can handle.He must believe I can carry alot on my plate,but I feel as though my plate is starting to crack,or maybe that's just me either way I pray that God gives me the strength right now to keep holding on before I lose what little I do have in my life.